Dealing With an Absent Father:
The Case of The MIA Dad

Many a single parent home is impacted by an absent father. It's unfortunate, but sometimes after a divorce, some dads (and some moms) choose not to be involved in their child's life. Many a single parent has asked why or how a parent could just walk away from their own child. If you are dealing with an absent father, he may have made his reasons clear, or (more than likely) his departure is a complete mystery. In cases of abuse, this can be a blessing. Most of the time, it causes distress for the kids involved, and adds even more of a burden to the mom of a single parent family.

So what's a girl to do? Send a P.I. After him? Tear you hair out? Some of you might be secretly glad he's not coming around...admit it! I've had single moms ask if they can get a court order for dad to take the kids. Not a chance, sister. The courts can't exactly do that- besides, do you really want to force someone to be with your kids?

When you're dealing with an absent father, your kids are bound to ask questions about why they don't have a dad. Your kids will try to piece together clues as to why dad doesn't come around. Where did he go? Doesn't he love me? It's important to carefully consider their questions, and answer them without bashing your ex.

Trash talking your ex will only backfire on you- don't do it.

It's also important to give them a reason- to the best of your knowledge. Let them know it's his issues that are keeping him away, not the child's. It's fine to say something like: he wasn't ready to be a dad, or he had some issues he needs to work through to be a parent to you, and leave it at that. If kids don't hear a reason why their dad is gone, they will think: what did I do to make my dad leave?

Again, it's important not to bash your ex in the process because kids should be free to come to their own conclusions, here. Not to mention, you never know when or if their dad might make a reappearance, or if your child might want to meet him when they're older. If he really is a dirt bag, your child will figure that out- she doesn't need you to tell her, and your opinions of him shouldn't get in the way of a future relationship with her dad.

The best thing to do when dad doesn't show up
is to distract your child.

If this is something relatively new, or if dad is inconsistent, the kids may be distraught when he pulls a no-show. Don't sit and stew over why he didn't come, or curse his name in front of the kids. If you can see it coming at all, figure out a plan B for use in the event of an absent father. It may help to brainstorm a few fun things to do with the kids with little or no planning.

It goes like this: dad's supposed to pick up the kids at 6pm, and by 6:30 he still hasn't shown or called. This has happened before, so it's clear that he's not coming. Here's what you do:

1. Don't dwell on it. If the kids ask where he is, just say “I guess he's not coming”.
2. Switch gears and get started with your plan B. If you had planned to go to the movies with a friend, call your friend and change your plans so you can bring the kids with you, or get together another time.
3. Do something fun, what ever you do. Even if it's just a game night at home, you'll send the message loud and clear to your kids that you are there for them.
4. Keep your negative comments to yourself. I know that at first, it may seem like you're being punished when he doesn't show because you have to give up your “you” time. Take the Pollyanna point of view and be glad you get more time with your kids.
5. If your little single parent family has been trying to get by with an absent father for an extended period of time, try to find good male role models for them. Boys and girls alike benefit from having good male and female role models in their lives, and if your kids' dad isn't up to the challenge, go out and get a substitute. Talk to friends or family members, or sign up your child for Big Brothers. Even if their dad comes back into the picture, your kids can always benefit from having another caring adult in their lives.

If you are raising your kids with an absent father, I feel for you. I know how hard it is to watch your kids when their daddy doesn't come. This issue has been the source of plenty of heartache for lots of single parent homes I know. It's hard to be positive at first, but I'm here to tell you it will get easier as the days go by.