Making Blended Families Work (The Part That Comes AFTER Happily Ever After)

After divorce your life does go on; and somewhere out in that big, brave new world your perfect match is waiting for you. However, many modern day romances are a more complex equation than 1+1=2. You may fall in love with a man and encounter a love quadrangle; you, him and your two children. If your fairy tale Prince Charming has children then you are going to have to learn how to juggle stepmom duties along with your new romantic relationship.

One of the biggest problems with blended families is determining fact from fantasy. The fairy tales have been particularly hard on stepmother images and it is up to you to make sure that everyone knows you are a loving, caring person and not an evil storybook villain. Yep, you have to go the extra mile but it is definitely worth the effort.

Blended families go through a series of stages as relationships and roles are established. It may be useful to keep these 4 normal relationship periods in mind:

- Fairy Tale Fantasy-this occurs at the beginning. During this time it is easy to convince yourself that everyone is perfect and happy. Many stepmoms imagine that their life will now be lived as part of one blissful family unit.

- Confused and Dismayed- The honeymoon is over, in more ways than one. Tension and stress comes to the surface. People begin to chafe over the differences in behaviors and expectations. Irritations build quickly over even small, unimportant concerns.

- Conflict Creates a Battlefield-This is when anger and arguments begin to blast across the home-front. Real feelings are uncovered, and disappointments are allowed to surface. Honest communications are needed, and counseling may be advisable.

- Cease-Fire and Truce- This should be a time when hopefulness returns and the family starts to relax and adjust to each other. Tolerance and acceptance should increase as the real blended family starts to form deeper, emotional bonds with each other.

This, Too Shall Pass

1. 1.  Blended families are not the same as a traditional family unit, but remember that variety is the spice of life. You see, when a step family is created those normal bonds between all of the family members have had very little time to form. Without these emotional connections it is difficult to accept and tolerate even minor, irritating behaviors.  To create a successful blended family unit, a wise stepmom will make sure that everyone spends some quality time together on a regular basis. This will help create an understanding and appreciation of each member of the new family unit.

   An important thing to note here is that quality time doesn't have to be elaborately planned or cost money. It can be as simple as inviting your step kids to run errands with you or help cook dinner. Show up to their sports events and talk about what happened. The kids may not welcome your involvement at first, but as time goes by, they'll learn to trust you and value your role as their stepmom.

2. 2. The children in any blended family will always have connections and relationships to other family members involving their biological mom or dad. This can cause stress and tension for new step-parents if you do not learn to ride the waves. There is enough love to go around if you allow it to grow and eliminate the word "jealousy" from your vocabulary.
3. 3. Give up the notion that love between step parents and step children is an automatic emotion. The Brady Bunch was only a television show after all, and it really did not mirror real life in the least. There are going to be a lot of challenges ahead, and the emotion levels will be all over the chart, especially at the beginning. Time, patience and understanding will be your best allies if you want to win the battle for affection and respect.
4. 4. Try to forget those preconceived notions about a happily ever after fairy tale life. There are going to be some rocky times ahead and the fewer unrealistic expectations you have, the easier it will be deal with the realities. If you are only looking for perfection in your blended family's interactions then you will miss the smaller milestones that occur.
5. 5. It is the biological parent who must first handle the duties of discipline regarding their own offspring. It can be difficult for a stepmom to deal with defiance from the new kids in the family without being able to discipline them as she would her own, but patience is the key. The main thing is to get your spouse on board and make sure that the kids know that the 2 adults are now a team and rules must be followed.

   I find it helps to sit down with all the kids in our blended family every now and then and go over the rules in our house. They may complain that at their mom's house, they can eat ice cream on the couch. To that, I say "that's great- you can do that at her house. Eat it in the kitchen at ours."

6. 6. Do not allow yourself to give in to feelings of jealousy or vindictiveness concerning kids' visits with either biological parent. Flexible and coordinated visitations will help ease the concerns of children and make your own acceptance into the family a little smoother experience.
7. 7. Begin your new parenting role as a friend and take things slowly. Let your new step children provide you with the cues you need about how fast you can move the relationship forward. Kids will appreciate this adjustment time, and the personal respect you are providing to them. If they seem to be keeping more space between you than you would like, just remember that this is temporary and you need to earn the right to a closer relationship. Build upon the relationship you have established slowly, but surely.
8. 8. Give yourself some distance from words and situations that might be extremely hurtful. You are a target when you are a step parent, and you should not take every negative thing that is said to heart. Even though it may often feel like a personal attack it is generally your role that is coming under fire, not you as a person.