Coparenting Made SimpleYou may have gotten your ex out of your home, but he's not out of your life. Coparenting is something every single mom should work on in order to create a smooth and secure environment for her children. Also called cooperative or shared parenting, this is when a divorcing couple makes a conscious effort to put aside their personal issues and make team decisions for the benefit of their children. It's absolutely normal that with the disintegration of your marriage, you as a new single mom might feel angry, betrayed and unwilling to trust your ex. However, for the sake of the children you need to get to a point where you can have open communication, cooperation and consistency in how you parent with your ex husband. Keep Your CoolYou and your ex don't have to become best friends, but you do have to be mutually respectful. It may bring you personal satisfaction to call your ex names or criticize his life choices, but try to refrain. Think of the new dynamics of your relationship as a simple business arrangement, with the goal of creating a stable environment for your children. If there is anger and hurt on each side, keep communication simple with emails, letters and faxes. You can also use a third party such as a lawyer, relative, mutual friend or another single mom. Whatever the arrangement, keeping regular contact will be needed to develop a strong parenting plan.Create a Parenting PlanA parenting plan that is just a vague collection of ideas or thoughts will be hard for everyone involved to follow. Instead you should think of your coparenting plan as a recipe, requiring precise directions that when followed will lead to a perfectly prepared dish, or in your case a productive and happy child!The coparenting plan should include a schedule for the school year, summer months and holidays. If visitation or custody has been determined by the court, some of this schedule may already be mapped out for you. Parents tend to have the biggest power struggles about who gets custody during holidays and birthdays. You may choose to alternate major holidays, with you as the single mom having custody one year and your ex the next. You could also arrange to split the holiday up. For example, the children can spend part of Christmas or their birthday with you and the rest of the day with your ex. If you and your spouse both want to see your children on all major holidays and birthdays you might also decide to just hold celebrations together at one home and remain mutually respectful towards each other. If this kind of arrangement is unworkable, just remember there will be many holidays you can share with your child, and you can also celebrate before or after a special day. (Believe me- kids don't seem to complain about having 2 Christmases!) As a single mom or dad you might need to creatively arrange the coparenting schedule based around the hours you have to work. So, scheduling one parent to do specific duties such as picking up the kids from sports or hobbies, attending parent conferences at school or accompanying the kids to their medical appointments may be needed. As long as both parties agree to which duties they are assigned this will work out fine. My ex and I set up a yahoo interactive calendar, and it's a terrific way to keep each other posted on the kids' activities. You and your spouse should also map out pick-up and drop-off times and locations. Picking a neutral location centrally located between the two homes can prevent blow ups from occurring. Transferring belongings back and forth between homes can be stressful for children. Keeping some basic clothing items, toiletries and toys at each home will be useful. One area of concern with coparenting is deciding who pays for what. If child support arrangements are not made and you both have similar incomes you might want to keep an even split; contributing equal amounts for school supplies, clothing and medical insurance but separately paying for the groceries and upkeep in their own homes. Or you could choose to just pay for everything your child needs while in your physical custody. You might also want to collectively contribute to a college savings fund or car fund as your children age. One factor every single mom should define with their ex is keeping consistency in house rules. Areas such as mealtimes, doing homework and bedtimes may be somewhat flexible at each home but should still display some degree of similarity so children understand what is expected of them. Discuss the consequences of misbehaving, what punishments will be allowed, giving allowances, dating rules and the religious upbringing you want your children to have. You can even print a chart or agenda for your coparenting plan and keep copies at both homes.
- Keep communication simple. Stick to the business that relates to the kids, and leave out the personal stuff.
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