Get it Right the Second Time Around: The 5 Single Mom Dating RulesHere you are, the second time around the dating block. Maybe you'll throw yourself back into dating, maybe not. Maybe you'll get remarried. Maybe you'll get divorced again...then again, maybe not. Ladies, this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. I see so many girlfriends get divorced only to race into another doomed relationship the second time around as fast as their legs can carry them. I know some girlfriends who can count the number of times they've been divorced on two hands. Sure, the stats say that second marriages end in divorce about 60% of the time, which is even higher than the divorce rate for first marriages. This doesn't have to happen to you. The second time around is your chance to break out of the mold, try something new. The only reason people get divorced over and over again is because they keep doing the same things. By the way: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. All the sane ladies, read on.
Rule #1- Take a BreatherHoney, I don't care who you are, or what your marriage was like- divorce rocks your world. Whether or not you plan to remarry, a girl's heart and soul needs time to mend after a divorce. Like a depleted battery, you need time to recharge. You may have done the leaving. You may be relieved to get out of that relationship. No matter what your situation, take a few months to regroup. There is no magic time period, but if you can look back on your former marriage without tearing up, that's a start. It's also a good sign if you can talk about your ex without referring to him as “the bastard”. I know you're lonely, but now is the time to look out for your kids, and ease into the transition from married to single momma. The single mom dating stuff can wait a bit. Trust me, your time will come.Rule #2- Do a Post-Game Wrap-UpTake a good, hard look at your former marriage. Grab a pencil and paper and start jotting down what you would do differently the second time around.I know you're thinking you would just not marry him. That's ok. Build on that. What would you look for in a potential mate this time? Make a list of everything you know you don't want, and everything you do. Don't worry about whether or not you want to remarry. That's not the point. You want to define the kind of people you want to form relationships with from now on. Now write down what you would do differently in the ideal relationship. Don't waste time and energy listing all the things he did wrong. You can only change you. What are you going to do to make a new relationship better the second time around? Even if you feel justified saying the divorce was his fault, there is always something you can improve upon. This is arguably the single most over-looked step for most divorcees. It's not so fun, but pretty important, so do it.
Rule #3- Invest in YouWhat do you love to do? What makes you feel totally relaxed or exhilarated? Have you been a married mom so long that you've forgotten? Take some time to rediscover you. Try something new. Learn to play an instrument with your kids. Take yoga or start running. Find your happy place. You are more than just a mom, or just an accountant. No, you cannot redefine yourself as a single mom dating. Figure out what makes your life fulfilling, so you can be happy with or without a man. Yes, I did just say that.It's a catch-22: you have to learn to be happy without a guy in your life so you have something to offer and can depend on yourself for your happiness when you find the right guy. You follow? A strong woman knows what makes her tick, and takes responsibility for her own happiness. Guys are not the gods of our happiness- we are, girlfriends!
Rule #4- Put Your Best Foot ForwardNow that you know what you're looking for, and can find your own peace and happiness, show the world your best you. I've said it before, but this is your second time around, and your chance to re-invent yourself. Take another look at the list you made- the one of everything you do want in a mate. What are the 5 key qualities you are looking for? Now, here's the kicker: would your friends say you exhibit those qualities? If not, now is the time to develop them. Girl, don't you dare go out into the dating world asking something of someone else that you don't ask of yourself. You say you want someone responsible- succesful, even? Romantic? Compassionate? Build those character traits in yourself first, then charge out into the dating world.Rule #5- Build a NetworkEver heard the saying that behind every successful woman is a network? Well, it's true. Make it a point to surround yourself with supportive, uplifting people . No smart woman goes it alone. Build a circle of friends that edify you. A good support network will help you find fun in your life, and pick you up when you're down. Don't be afraid to graciously ask for help, and look for ways to pay it forward whenever you can.Take the time to rebuild and reinvent you. Even though you're divorced, you can have a fulfilling life, and you don't have to have a man to do it. Once you get to the point where you truly believe this, finding the right man will simply add to your already full life. You won't feel the need to date in desparation because you feel like a part of you is missing. The happy, confident, successful you will shine through, attracting others like you. Then, the second time around doesn't have to end like the first.
|
