Building a Social Support Network -
The Single Mom's Back-up Plan
Right now, you're probably thinking...what is a social support network? Why would I need a social support network, and how do I get it? Well, let's start from where you are now. Let's face it, even two parent families have trouble keeping up with a week's worth of activities. The work of a single parent is never done. You wake up at the crack of dawn to get yourself to work and drop the kids off at their schools. The kids get out of school before work is over, and you've got to make some sort of daycare arrangements to keep them from burning down the house until you can get home. After work, there's dance, gymnastics, football. Tomorrow there's scouts and karate. Don't forget your daughter signed up to bring cookies to scouts, and she was hoping for homemade- not store bought. Your fridge is empty, and your laundry baskets are overflowing. Meanwhile, you're trying to eek out some time to workout, clean the house and pay bills. The cat's litter box smells like a stink bomb went off, and the dog is whining to be fed. On top of it all, your car is making a funny noise, and you dread the cost and the pain in the (fill in the appropriate body part here) it will be to take it to the shop. Sound familiar?
What Next?
A lot of people turn to family for help and support when they get divorced. If you are one of these people, count yourself lucky. Family members oftentimes will babysit your kids, help you move, help you buy a car, even give you money. But what if you find yourself a single parent, and your family can't or won't help you? What if your family is hundreds of miles away? Even if you do have family members willing to help, you really want to avoid burning them out. Don't worry, you can get through this. This is where a good social support network comes in. For all of you out there who are independent, and think you can do it on your own, news flash: you cannot do this single parent thing alone! Sure, you can try. You may think of yourself as a pretty tough chic, but you're still trying to do the job of 2 (or more!) people all by yourself. You know that saying “it takes a village to raise a child”? Well, they're not kidding! Girlfriend, you need to build a support network. A good social support network will do two things for you: provide your kid (or kids) even more caring individuals to rely on, and help you maintain your sanity.
Time to Get Some People in Your Corner, Girlfriend.
I'm not talking about business networking. Your mission is not to collect as many business cards as possible or to meet people with impressive job titles. Your job is to branch out, make new friends. You need a few good people you can call on when you're stuck, and to share in each others' joys and victories. We're talking about a social support network.I know what you're thinking: hello, I already have friends! Ok sure, but do they truly understand what you're going through? If you've managed to maintain friendships with a handful of tried and true friends through the divorce, good for you. These terrific people know what you've been going through and will help support you emotionally. It also helps to have friends who are going through or have already been through divorce. Girlfriends who have experience on this battlefield are invaluable. Here are some places to start:Your neighborhoodChurchWorkKids' playgroupsNeighborhood parksOn-line groupsYour kids schoolInternet interest groups
Here's What I Did.
I started with my church. Many churches have divorce groups or ministries for those of us dealing with divorce. These groups can be a fabulous source of support. My church didn't have such a group, but the congregation was more than helpful when they learned that I was a single mother of two small children trying to make my way. When I got divorced, I moved to a different town and found a new church congregation to attend. This, in itself was a blessing in disguise. Instead of being known as half of a broken marriage, church members knew me as just a single mom. I has an instant support network. I connected with other mothers, single or not who were willing to trade babysitting services. My kids got to know other kids their age, and I got some much-needed breaks. Not to mention, sometimes having other kids over at our house broke up the monotony and kept my kids busy and entertained for a while. My church group was very supportive when I was freshly divorced and overwhelmed with everything I had to do. When I needed a job, they helped me spread the word. When I hit an especially rough spot, the church helped me make ends meet financially.
Still Think You Don't Need to Build Your Network?
The fact of the matter is, you're gonna need lots of favors from time to time. Don't wear out your mom or best friend, always asking the same people to help you out in a pinch. The great thing about befriending other single parents is that they need favors, too. What goes around, comes around. Always offer to return the favor when someone does a favor for you. Even though you're so busy trying to juggle everything at once, there is always something you can do for someone else with little effort. Here are some things to try: Trade babysitting. Got a hot date? Parent teacher conferences? Try to give your girlfriend as much notice as possible, and be respectful of her time. You can always watch her kids when she has the need. Take turns hosting an everyday dinner. This is not a dinner party, girlfriend. Keep it simple. Just cook something your family likes to eat, and double it. This plan is beautiful, because it cuts down on the nights you have to cook, and all the kids can play while the girlfriends chat. Arrange carpools for your kids' after school activities- huge time saver! Have “family movie nights” together. Rent a movie and pop some popcorn for some cheap, no-stress entertainment. When you've had a particularly hard day, your single mom friends will understand more than anyone. My friends and I have often started a phone call with the words “I need to vent”.
Think Outside the Box
Of course, not all supportive friends come in the single mom package. Friends can come in all shapes and sizes, so don't be afraid to walk right up to that mom you always see at soccer practice, and ask if she'd like to carpool. She'd probably love to. In fact, if your kids are into after school activities, aim to make at least one friend at each activity. Not only could you set up a carpool, but they can give you the cliff notes on what you missed if your kid skipped practice. Don't overlook the importance of professionals in your support network, like your pediatrician, daycare provider, and kids' schoolteachers. Enlist these people in the support of your little family. Keep the lines of communication open, so these people know how they can be of support to you and your kids. Don't hesitate to make them aware of problems you come across. They just may be part of the solution. Most importantly, try to surround yourself with positive, happy people. The more optimistic you are about your future, the more you will attract happy people into your life. A social support network is only as good as the people in it. If you find yourself hanging out with people who make you feel worse than you did before, keep on looking for happy, upbeat friends. Nothing will change your life faster than a cheerful, optimistic attitude.
No single mom is an island
You will probably drive yourself crazy trying to do it all without a little help and support now and then. When I was newly separated, I felt so alone and somehow sold myself the notion that I was the only one going through such a hardship. I didn't know anyone who had been through a divorce, and felt like I'd been shipped to the island of misfit toys. I thought my life was over. Then I started looking around, and found many people who felt the same way. Now, if a sick kid needs to be picked up from school, and I can't leave work, I call on my support network. If my kids' dance and violin lessons conflict, I call on my support network. If I need to take my car to the shop and get a ride home, I...well, you get the idea. Most importantly, the wonderful people in my support network, my “child-rearing village” know that I am always willing to help when they need it.
Cheer up, girlfriend!
You're not a social outcast just because you're divorced. You're not broken- just single. When you're feeling down and alone, that's the time to get out there and build your support network! Wash the tears off your face, make your bed so you can't get back in it, and make yourself step outside. You'll be glad you did.
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