Handling Tough Times
With Teens and Divorce
You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that teens and divorce don't mix well. Divorce is an unsettling time, even in the most amicable circumstances. Sure, you might be glad that circumstances have changed, but your kids- especially teens- will have their own assessment of what this new life means. When it comes to teens and divorce, the potential for problems and emotional outbursts are heightened even more. No matter what age your kids are when a divorce happens, different development stages will pose unique challenges.
Handling Teens and Divorce:
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
It is important for a newly single parent to realize that you have to talk with teens about the events that are unfolding. Teenagers are feeling pressure and anxiety as the world they know suddenly spins apart. You have to make sure to let them know that none of this was their fault. No matter how rebellious your teen's behavior was during the past months they need to know that it was not a factor that was involved in your decision to seek a divorce.Allow your kids to ask questions, even if they are a little more "to the point". Teens in a divorce situation should be dealt with honestly, but keep things aboveboard and never resort to "kitchen sink" fighting tactics. Talk things over with them and help them understand why you and your spouse arrived at the decision to live separate lives. This is a great time for coparenting. Both parents should talk to kids and teens about things they are going through and help them deal with divorce. Good coparenting will help a teen feel more secure. This does not mean you have to go into great detail about misdeeds that occurred. It's also ok to answer some questions with “that's between me and your dad.” This answer is especially handy because teens have a way of thinking that everything is their business! They don't need details like how much child support you get for them, or whether dad actually pays it. Use discretion; open up about subjects that pertain to them, and won't show your ex in a poor light, which leads us to the next topic...
Dealing With Teens and Divorce:
Keep it on the Down-Low
It's important to acknowledge each child's individuality by dealing with their issues in private. Don't assume that each of your kids is feeling the same about the divorce. Anyone with two or more kids knows that siblings can be night and day different. Their unique personalities and experiences will color their moods in different ways. Try to spend some time with each child one-on-one. Whatever you do, don't discuss these confidential discussions with your other kids. I'm sure you know teens are sensitive about their privacy!
Handling Teens and Divorce:
Don't Trash Your Ex
While you may be convinced that your ex was the one at fault, there is no need to try to curry support from your kids. Save the dishing til you meet your girlfriends at the coffeeshop. Your ex may have been a dog, but he is still your child's father. Even if your child has an absent father, please don't bad mouth him. Let your teen come to her own conclusions about him. Your kids still have a right to love each parent and have a relationship with each. Again, good coparenting is best for smoothing out the ripples after divorce. A non-judgmental attitude is more appropriate when you are discussing him with your teen. You may have to remind other adult relatives to follow your lead to help keep teens and divorce "fireworks" away from the battlefield.
Handling Teens and Divorce:
Work Through Their Fears
Teens are going to face a veritable mountain of personal struggles when a divorce disrupts their family unit. Although your kids may appear disinterested in what is going on, you can be assured that they have a real emotional stake in everything that is happening. The main thing for you to remember is to give them the stability and support that they need. Their lives are changing forever, and they need all of the grounding that you can provide.A fear of being forgotten or abandoned by their parents is a concern of kids of all ages. When it comes to teens, the fear is even sharper because they have had even more time to develop strong bonds with both parents. These feelings may be validated even further when you're dealing with an
absent father.
This fear can often cause teens to lash out with hurtful words and actions. Make sure that you allow them to tell you how they are feeling and really listen to what they are saying. Do not patronize your kids and talk down to them, but open up the lines of honest communication. Realize that they are afraid and take the time to let them know that you are going to be there for them, no matter what else may change. This is also an important time to establish rules of engagement. What I mean is, teens should feel like they can talk to you about anything, and they may be angry about certain things. It's important to teach them how to address these issues with you in an appropriate manner. For example: I have a rule in my house that you can complain about something all you want, so long as you are willing to brainstorm solutions for the problem. There is also certain language that is off-limits in my house. Teens need to know that they can vent their feelings with you and discuss things that bother them, but they still need to be respectful to their parents.
Handling Teens and Divorce:
Call in For Back-up
The angst that accompanies the teenage years is heightened by the emotional impacts of a divorce. Your teenager may already be displaying the mood swings and rebelliousness that accompanies these years. Now the change in the family structure is making matters even more difficult. The emotional aftermath can be explosive if you, as a single mom, are not aware of the problems your children are facing.Counseling is an option for teens and divorce minded parents who are losing the communication battle, but many teens resent this intervention. Another option that may prove more acceptable to them is that of mediation. The mediator could be a trained professional, or a close family member or friend that your teen respects. Finding someone your teen can talk to is especially important if they have an absent father. This will allow you and your kids to discuss your feelings and thoughts in a non-threatening and supportive environment. You may just find that this is all you need to work out some of your problems and reach some mutually agreeable resolutions.
Handling Teens and Divorce:
Carve Out Time for Fun
Plenty of things change with a divorce. Try to keep some of the fun parts of your family life consistent. Keep your kids in the extra-curricular activities they enjoy. Help them maintain relationships with friends. Make time to do fun things as a (revised) family. You can even come up with new traditions that are special and enjoyable to your family. Rome wasn't built in a day; digging out from the rubble of divorce will take time and patience. Some days are better than others, but take it from me- it can and will get better.
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